Monday, August 15, 2011

Baa, Baa, Black Sheep...

I am a walking, talking, oxymoron. I once took a personality test in high school in which I was exactly, half melancholy and half sanguine. My English teacher, who was due to retire, stated she had never had anyone with results that split in the middle in all the years she had given it. However, anyone who truly knows me, would probably agree with the assessment. I like traditions, but don't always go the traditional route. I like to talk, but am terrible at communicating my feelings effectively. I love to be around people, but sometimes loathe any human interaction. I have spent years feeling misunderstood and misplaced. Even though I am friendly to many people; I hardly consider any of them my friends. Maybe it's the overwhelming flood of thoughts entering my brain my the millisecond. Maybe it's my inability to focus on much, but then become hyper-focused on one thing. Either way, I feel like I have no idea what is going on. Maybe it's my "turret's-like" symptoms, in which I just blurt shit out without thinking. Things that can bring a room to silence, as if someone just scratched the needle across a record. All of these "quirks" make me intriguing and likable to some; horrible and repulsive to others. Hell, my own neuroses drives me nuts. And, when you can't stand yourself, who can? Most of my life I have been coined, "The Black Sheep". I just never quite belonged. Whether it be in my family, amongst my friends, or at work. I have always been drawn to other black sheep. I have spent much of my life feeling disconnected from those around me. I relished in the idea of having a connection with someone, even if they were a social misfit. Imagine my elation when I found a man who had also spent most of his life as a black sheep. We were complete opposites, but had a lot in common at the same time. We were so different, we were alike. I found my kindred spirit; my partner in crime; my soul mate. The person who, as long as we remained together, I would never feel alone again. I would never feel isolated as long as he was by my side. I spent the last 11 years with virtually the same people, doing the same things. Our lives changed considerably during this time, but it seemed their thinking and behavior didn't. My life changed the moment I found out I was pregnant. I expected him to follow suit. After all, he's a black sheep strayed from the herd. It would only be natural for him to follow me. But, he didn't. And so began my plummet back into a world of isolation and abandonment. I found myself feeling more misunderstood and lonely than ever. I felt rejected. Shunned. If your kindred spirit doesn't want you, then who will? When you find you have nothing in common with the person you thought you were most alike, then what? Well...let me tell ya. It fucking sucks. Living a disconnected life can leave you self-doubting and critical to begin with. Plunging back into that life after a brief, yet sweet surrender, only seems to make things worse. I now question the validity of most statements that come from someone's mouth. The more invested I am, the more I question. I wonder how I will ever find anyone who wants to be with me if the one person I thought adored me, put most things in front of me. I have zero confidence in my ability to establish relationships with those around me. I am constantly second-guessing myself! If there were ever an epitome of neurotic; I am now it! I got married, so I would never have to date again!! I was lucky to find someone the first time and now I'm expected to go round two? Finally, I desire someone I  have things in common with. I pine for someone I can have an easy conversation with. Joke with. Laugh with. Cry with (OK, that may be stretching it. I would settle for someone who didn't look at me like I was crazy for crying and actually give me a hug). I yearn for someone a little less stoic. Less like a wall. Finally, I dream of someone crazy, stupid, and/or brave enough to adore my neurotic, oxymoron ass!

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