Thursday, August 25, 2011

First thing on my mind...

Didn't go to bed until 2am. Alarm went off at 5:30am. Sound of Isaac laughing fills the room (it's a great alarm). I hit snooze. The alarm goes off again. It's 5:45am. I am exhausted. Deliriously exhausted. However, the first thing that pops into my head is "The Light" and an overwhelming urge to write down what is in my head. I don't even turn on the light. I just grab my notebook and write. Hope you understand...

Thoughts of you consume me.
Open my eyes; floodgates to my mind.
Thoughts start pouring out.
Thoughts of a different time.
Different opportunities.
The potential we have,
to be something purely awesome...
Have you ever stood in the pouring
rain and laughed?
The rain washes over you;
soaking and cleansing.
Your love is like the rain.
Washing all my cares away.
Making me erupt in spontaneous laughter.
Mindless smiling...
Maybe one day, I will stand in the rain.
Feel the warmth wash over me,
and dance.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

This Guy...

Loss of an ideal;
Loss of reality.
Through tightly closed fists;
It's slipped away. 
Yearning met;
With sweet surrender.
Peaceful bliss;
I fell into you.
Tears shed;
What could have been;
What should have been;
What hasn't been.
One by one;
They fall silently.
Wipe away one;
Another follows.
I beg of you;
One more kiss;
One more hug;
Just one more.
Tell me I wasn't foolish,
Tell me I wasn't wrong.
My heart has busted open;
Please, don't pour salt in the wound.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

And another thing...

You have no idea...I used to write. All the time. Thoughts would come to me clear as day amidst a mind full of complete chaos. I would have no choice but to write them down; on a napkin, on an envelope, scraps of paper...I had random things lying around with thoughts that jumped out at me. For the longest time, it was like a compulsion. A thought would hit me and I would have to write it down. Words would flow from me effortlessly. Over time, I completely lost myself. I not only quit writing, but when I tried, it was forced. My thoughts no longer flowed into words on paper. They continued to run (chaotically) into one another in my tangled gray matter. Constantly held captive. Never able to escape. Held hostage with no signs of ransom demands being met. We do not negotiate with terrorists. I have been held hostage for years. A captive in my own home; in my own mind. Nowhere to go. No one to listen. Nothing to listen to. Because I had nothing to say. Now, I have a lot to say. I am so overcome with emotion, I am beside myself. For the first time in a long time, words rushed out of me and into writing. And then it hit me. What I've been missing: INSPIRATION.

What is this?

Overwhelming desire.
Suffocating bliss.
Reach out to touch;
Quickly singed.
Careful now;
Hot to touch.
Uncharted territory;
No map to guide.
Tumbleweed in the wind;
Breathing life into me.
No direction.
No plan.
Completely lost;
And loving it.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Baa, Baa, Black Sheep...

I am a walking, talking, oxymoron. I once took a personality test in high school in which I was exactly, half melancholy and half sanguine. My English teacher, who was due to retire, stated she had never had anyone with results that split in the middle in all the years she had given it. However, anyone who truly knows me, would probably agree with the assessment. I like traditions, but don't always go the traditional route. I like to talk, but am terrible at communicating my feelings effectively. I love to be around people, but sometimes loathe any human interaction. I have spent years feeling misunderstood and misplaced. Even though I am friendly to many people; I hardly consider any of them my friends. Maybe it's the overwhelming flood of thoughts entering my brain my the millisecond. Maybe it's my inability to focus on much, but then become hyper-focused on one thing. Either way, I feel like I have no idea what is going on. Maybe it's my "turret's-like" symptoms, in which I just blurt shit out without thinking. Things that can bring a room to silence, as if someone just scratched the needle across a record. All of these "quirks" make me intriguing and likable to some; horrible and repulsive to others. Hell, my own neuroses drives me nuts. And, when you can't stand yourself, who can? Most of my life I have been coined, "The Black Sheep". I just never quite belonged. Whether it be in my family, amongst my friends, or at work. I have always been drawn to other black sheep. I have spent much of my life feeling disconnected from those around me. I relished in the idea of having a connection with someone, even if they were a social misfit. Imagine my elation when I found a man who had also spent most of his life as a black sheep. We were complete opposites, but had a lot in common at the same time. We were so different, we were alike. I found my kindred spirit; my partner in crime; my soul mate. The person who, as long as we remained together, I would never feel alone again. I would never feel isolated as long as he was by my side. I spent the last 11 years with virtually the same people, doing the same things. Our lives changed considerably during this time, but it seemed their thinking and behavior didn't. My life changed the moment I found out I was pregnant. I expected him to follow suit. After all, he's a black sheep strayed from the herd. It would only be natural for him to follow me. But, he didn't. And so began my plummet back into a world of isolation and abandonment. I found myself feeling more misunderstood and lonely than ever. I felt rejected. Shunned. If your kindred spirit doesn't want you, then who will? When you find you have nothing in common with the person you thought you were most alike, then what? Well...let me tell ya. It fucking sucks. Living a disconnected life can leave you self-doubting and critical to begin with. Plunging back into that life after a brief, yet sweet surrender, only seems to make things worse. I now question the validity of most statements that come from someone's mouth. The more invested I am, the more I question. I wonder how I will ever find anyone who wants to be with me if the one person I thought adored me, put most things in front of me. I have zero confidence in my ability to establish relationships with those around me. I am constantly second-guessing myself! If there were ever an epitome of neurotic; I am now it! I got married, so I would never have to date again!! I was lucky to find someone the first time and now I'm expected to go round two? Finally, I desire someone I  have things in common with. I pine for someone I can have an easy conversation with. Joke with. Laugh with. Cry with (OK, that may be stretching it. I would settle for someone who didn't look at me like I was crazy for crying and actually give me a hug). I yearn for someone a little less stoic. Less like a wall. Finally, I dream of someone crazy, stupid, and/or brave enough to adore my neurotic, oxymoron ass!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Bedtime blues...

Light on. Light off. Light on. Light off.
"Better, mama?", my toddler innocently asks.
You see, I have been patiently waiting for him to go to sleep for about 2 hours now. We have been having this 'issue' for about 2 weeks. Several have said its probably due to us moving in with my parents. My husband and I are getting a divorce. We are currently separated with me having the kids the majority of the time. It's moments like these in which I really struggle with whether or not I am doing the right thing. And if I am, who am I doing it for? Am being selfish? Am I being cold? Will my kids be OK? I didn't want my kids to come from a "broken" home. That's why I waited to get married and have children. At 25, my 5 year plan was NOT: get married, have two babies, get divorced. It just wasn't the way I saw things playing out. As crass as I can be, at my core I am a hopeless romantic. Please, don't laugh at me! I am. My name is Abby. I am a hopeless romantic. There. I said it. Since getting pregnant and married (yes, in that order), my rose colored glasses have not only come off; they have been torn off my face, bent up, twisted, ran over with my car, and then ran over again. They are FUBAR (F-ed Up Beyond All Repair/Recognition). I have changed, lowered, and completely erased some of my expectations. I have looked past all the crap in order to find something to compliment. At the end of the day, I am deeply saddened by the loss of an ideal. Not the loss of my reality. I grieve something I don't know I ever really had. How is that possible? When it becomes final, there is no hope of it getting better because it's over. I had hope. However, fleeting and minuscule at times, it was still there. Now, there seems to be no hope of it getting better. I think back to all the "lost moments". Moments we will never get back. Moments that we never really had. Moments I wish would fall into a black hole. Yet, it seems the moments that sear themselves into my memory, are moments I don't care to remember at all. When I look back on the short time we did spend together, at the pictures we have looking so in love and so happy...these were all moments created in an altered state. Products of drunken nights with friends. I just had a fleeting thought of a movie called, "Punch Drunk Love". I don't remember much about it, except I don't know that I fully got it. However, if I had to give our relationship a name in three words or less, it would be that: Punch, Drunk, Love. Maybe I should go back and watch it. It may have a totally different meaning at this time. Sorry, I digress...
So, what does all of this mean?? How did I get from my bedtime stand off with a two-year-old to "Punch, Drunk, Love"? (Gotta love ADD) Believe it or not, these things are connected (even if it is only in my mind). My point being, prior to embarking on the uncharted territory of separation and divorce, my life was chaotic (to say the least). My home life left much to be desired and I strongly felt mine and my children's quality of life needed some re-vamping. However, amidst all the chaos and discord, it was home. It was familiar. We had a system (as disorganized as it was) and I knew what to expect: nothing. Since starting this process, my children seem to be doing well. However, it is moments like this bedtime stand off that cause me to question if I am doing the right thing for my children. Maybe he wouldn't act out if we were at home. Then I remind myself, he's two! What two year old doesn't act out? They don't call it "terrible two's" for nothing. I also ask myself, what kind of life can I provide for my children when I hate the person I've become while being married to their father? Some people just aren't meant to be together. We are two sick people whose diseases manifested and festered while together. I am looking for something different. I want to get better. He does not. It just won't work (at this time). I guess there is hope. I just need to keep reminding myself this is temporary; like my own little purgatory. It's hard right now, but it will get better. By the grace of God, it will get better. I will get better. My kids will get better. Hopefully, some day, my husband will get better.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Moments of clarity or ramblings of a cluttered mind? Could be both.

I'm not sure why I have such a difficult time letting things go. I often say I am going to "let it go". However, I later find myself (or should I say, 'catch myself') replaying the entire situation and interaction in my head. Even better: when I am upset about a past interaction gone awry or anxious about an upcoming interaction. I rehearse the entire interaction in my head. I think about what they will say and then what I will say in response (might I add, I am much more brilliant in these rehearsals, leaving the other person quickly humbled). Is this the illusion of control? "Rehearsing" upcoming interactions and "replaying" old ones that left me feeling hurt? I think it is. Prior to an interaction, I have no way of knowing what's going to be said. In fact, I rarely come across as brilliant in real life as I do in my head. Therefore, when people don't say what I think they should say and I say something less than charming and graceful in response, I've lost all control over the entire conversation. Then the conversation quickly turns into a black hole. A giant opening in the ground, swirling and sucking everything down. We just spin and spin and spin. Stuck in a circular argument from hell. Sucking the life out of everyone involved. I swear, those conversations age me by a year or five every time (I'm around 300 in arguing years). I feel hopeless and exhausted at the end of them. I typically have a throbbing headache in my frontal lobe (where my impulse control lies) from it being exercised so much. Sadly, it still doesn't seem to be effective in these situations. At the end of these unpleasant interactions, I feel weak and shaken. Even if I've made "my point", I don't feel good about it. I don't feel relief. Instead, I waste more energy, more time obsessing over what I could or should have said differently. THEN, what THEY should say in response. I start the whole damn argument again in my head!! Now, as I write this, I am realizing the INSANITY of this process. I can justify (a little) rehearsing the interaction prior to it happening. However, this last one is asinine. Let's see: the conversation didn't go as "planned" (this is an impossible task from the get go). The conversation then goes awry (probably because I am stuck on getting it back to script). So, I replay and rehearse again. Changing words, actions, tones, and emotions. REALLY?!? This is REAL LIFE!! Not a Hollywood screen play. This isn't a Lifetime movie, an after-school special or even community theater. In the grand scheme of things, this interaction and how it plays out is nothing! A drop in the bucket. Or, more like a drop in an Olympic-size swimming pool. It really probably isn't that important. Yet, a lot of energy goes into preparing (and fixing) it to my standards. LET IT GO!! Instead I find myself going: Well, he said...Then I said...So, he said...So, I said...LET IT GO!! THIS IS EXHAUSTING INSANITY AT ITS FINEST! My new favorite saying: "It is what it is". I learned that in Al-Anon and I love it. It is what it is. What can I or anyone else do about it??
I now think I have answered my original question. For those of you who may be lost at this point; it was, is this "movie in my mind" an issue of control?
The answer (drum roll please...)
The light that just illuminated above my head could light an entire country block. The clarity is almost laughable. In the sense of, why didn't I think of this before?
Now, don't I feel like a horse's pa toot??