Saturday, September 17, 2011

If I Don't Get It, How Can Anyone Else?

I work with people who typically live in crisis. They live their lives in "flight or fight" mode; always moving from one crisis to the next. I remember looking at mother's like cyclops as they told me they forgot to schedule an appointment for their child. Now, I look at them, shrug and think, 'my second son didn't have vaccinations for almost his entire first year of life'. I totally get it now, where as I didn't quite get it before. Much like having my utilities shut of on numerous occasions. Not because there wasn't any money, but because I hadn't sat down to pay bills. Or, my personal favorite, was when I walked around with the check in my purse for weeks and never remembered to drop it off. So, while home on my first week of maternity leave, the water gets shut off. I would probably be horrified if I added up the amount of late fees I have paid out over the years. I don't quite understand what in the hell is wrong with me. I often refer to myself as broken. That is how I feel: BROKEN. I have a fractured mind. It doesn't communicate well with anyone, including itself. Synapses misfire, information gets lost or sent somewhere else. Regardless, there is something wrong with my brain. It just doesn't work the way I think it should. I think, I was able to manage my ADHD pretty well up until now. Enter: an unpredictable and demanding job. Plus, an unpredictable and demanding home life, courtesy of (now) one and two year old boys and an alcoholic/addict husband. NOW, add to that, separation from said husband and me and our two boys moving in with my parents. So, now the three of us are crammed into one bedroom. Thank God, it's decent sized. However, once you add a toddler bed and porta-crib to a room, it significantly reduces maneuverability. I don't watch a lot of TV. I sure as hell don't watch the "pseudo-reality TV" shows. Clearly, at my house (or, should I say my parents) time is of the essence. From the moment my feet hit the ground in the morning, to when I walk in the door, I hit the ground running. I challenge those "reality TV" bitches to follow me for a day. Given my circumstances, accompanied with debilitating ADHD, I make Survivor look like a stay at the Hilton. I used to think I understood. I have worked in this field for 10 years now. However, it wasn't until I (someone who works w/ addicts and people with mental health issues) I was blessed with a husband who is an alcoholic, two boys 13 months apart, and a plethora of other things...that lead to my ultimate demise. The insanity of it all became too much for one already fragile mind to handle. I literally lost my mind. Fast forward nearly a year and here I am...I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't want to do it all over again either, mind you. However, the past year has been one of the most humbling. I have a whole new understanding in regards to the nature of addiction and the effect it has on everyone unfortunate enough to be touched by it. Addiction has a far reach and it is difficult to hide. At some point, you have no choice to be affected. Addiction is like an octopus with "go-go Gadget" tentacles. There are many directions and endless lengths to which it can reach you; no matter how hard you try to hide. Now, imagine having a 5 gallon bucket filled with ping pong balls. Take one ball and place a black 'x' on it. Now, dump that bucket of ping pong balls into a 40 gallon fish tank all at once and trying to keep focus on the one ball with the 'x'. Nearly impossible, right? Maybe not to some, but still difficult to the average 'Joe'.  That's what my thoughts seem like in my mind. Hundreds of fleeting thoughts, bouncing all around my mind and me trying so hard to pick one and make it my focus. Not to mean, the balls are bouncing out of the tank and beginning to roll away...into oblivion, my un-captured thoughts will roll. Some will come back. Some will stop within arms reach. Others will stop where I can still see them. Then, there are many that will roll away and never be seen again...
Trying to explain this process to those around me is damn near impossible. I feel like I get a lot of blank stares and puzzled looks. Until you experience this uncontrollable phenomenon inside the confines of your own brain, you may never know. Just like you may never realize the overwhelming feelings of incompetence, failure, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, shame and uselessness. Most of all, the feeling of having so much to offer and no way of making it known. I am forever blocked by the epitome of the glass ceiling. I am blocked by glass walls as well. Stuck in this box of insanity. Confined to the recesses of my mind. Held captive by racing thoughts and lists of things to do that never get checked off...