After last night's revelation, I really started today off with a feeling of peace. I did my daily readings, went for a hike, and wrote a letter to my friend. I had many moments of insecurity. However, I refused to let my neuroses win. It felt good to not give into the temptation as maddening as it became at times. Part of today's reading from "Courage to Change" stated: "I quit fighting the God of other people's understanding and found a God who honored the long forgotten spirit in me. That's the God who can restore me to my true self...Today I make a sincere effort to roll in the clover, kick up my heels and celebrate being alive...I will set my problems to the side for a little while and appreciate what it means to be vitally alive".
How true this is. Over the years, I have completely lost focus. I lost sight of who I am and I became a person, I not only didn't recognize, but that I despised. I remember saying time and time again while in my marriage, that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I hated the fact that I had become somebody I truly resented while with my husband.
So, when I found someone who I thought truly understood me, accepted me, and who would do anything to help me, I was over the moon ecstatic. I understand why the brakes have been put on and I really am trying to be OK with it. For the most part, I am OK with it. What I hate the most is how much I truly miss him. I miss my best friend; my confidant. I miss the banter of the person in which it seemed there was ageless symmetry. The intense connection has been replaced by vast space; a solar system between us. He lives across town, but it seems he moved to the moon. Most days I hate that I am held captive by that little red light on my phone indicating I have a message. What I find deeply saddening and heartbreaking is the thought that he may not feel the same way anymore. The fear that I have lost him.
There's that word: FEAR. I learned yesterday, fear is the absence of faith. Ain't that the truth. I lack faith and trust. It's has what led me here. I lack faith and trust in God. I lack faith and trust in myself. I lack faith in trust in those around me. I have looked in all the wrong places to have it filled, but it is fleeting at best. Until I put my faith and trust in God, I will continue on the same cycle - the same roller coaster. I have to continue to have faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have to trust God that He knows what he is doing and I most certainly, do not. As long as I am held captive by others, I am not living. I am merely surviving and not doing a bang up job it would seem. I need to quit focusing on others and focus on my God and myself. If I can do that, everything else will fall into place. Things will happen, regardless of whether I want them to or not. I have no control. The sooner I learn that the better. I need to stop distracting myself and/or expecting others to carry the load. I need to give it all to God and LET GO...
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