Thursday, September 6, 2012

The hurdles just keep coming...

     It seems the hurdles I am forced to jump over just keep coming. However, the number of times it takes me to get over them is decreasing. I used to try to barrel through them. I didn't even try to jump. It seemed like a lost cause. I'd run into them, knocking them down, then tripping and falling over them. Over time I started making the effort to clear them, but I was so out of practice, I struggled to clear them considerably. I would knock one over due to my back foot getting caught, causing me to get tripped up just when I thought I was in the clear. I'd trip and fall down, but I started to recover quicker. Now, I make it over them. Sometimes, I lose confidence in my ability to clear the hurdle, but then I suck it up and give it a go. I give it my best effort. When I mess it up, I do it again. I continue to work at it until I get over it.
     I'm not sure if others have this same experience. I know I've not lived one like this until now. When I first came to my parents house just over a year ago, I felt completely out of my mind. I didn't know up from down. I was just trying to get the maddness to stop. I was whirling; spiraling out of control. I needed to get my bearings. Over the course of about six months, I did just that - got my bearings. I was able to stand up straight again. I then focused on surviving. I started learning ways of managing my ADD so I could function in all areas of my life. Learning how to survive also took about another six months. Now, I am in the processing mode. The dust is starting to settle and my vision is becoming clear. With much clearer focus, I am looking at what lies ahead of me and trying to learn how to accept it for what it is - another hurdle. Another adjustment. Most of all, I am trying to accept a different way of doing things. I look at where I am now versus where I wanted to be or where I had planned on being and I have to accept that it is what it is and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
     Not too long ago, I had to come to terms with my victimization. I started to write a lot about it, but I am now unsure if I posted that process. If not, I will do it soon. This week, I am adjusting to being a single parent. An actual, living, breathing, single parent. Dating has not gone well for me and has exacerbated these uncomfortable feelings I've been expericencing. I start thinking how this wasn't what I planned. I didn't want to raise my boys alone. My definition of family was two parents and their children. I wasn't ready to redifine "family".  I had the image in my head and piecing together that now shattered image has been quite a challenge. I don't want to start over. Dating was hard enough when I didn't have two toddlers and lived with my parents. Now, it seems almost impossible. It is most definately daunting. I don't want to get to know someone else. I don't want to have to differentiate between reality and bullshit. I don't want to face the consequences if I'm wrong again. I don't want to be dependent on anyone again, all while being dependent on my parents. The difference is, I know they won't use or exploit me. They won't take advantage of my weaknesses and use them against me. My parents love me and my boys unconditionally and will protect us. I trust them to do that and I don't trust many.
     I'm scared, but I continue to have faith and I continue to put myself out there. I take the chance and it fails miserably. Or, maybe it doesn't...Just because the situation doesn't turn out the way I dreamed, doesn't necessarily make it a disaster. I read today, in codependency, we expect the worst and focus on the worst. During these dating "disasters" I am learning to open up. I am learning to be myself. I am learning to set approprite boundaries. I am learning to stop obsessing! I am learning that sometimes, it's just as the movie suggests and "he's just not that into you". I am learning to let go ALOT. This has been an ongoing battle for me. However, I am LEARNING and I continue to learn more about myself, others, and our interactions. I've come to terms with a lot and I still have a lot to be reckoned with I'm sure. At the end of the day however, I have looked down the track and seen the hurdles. Sometimes, they are closer than they appear or they aren't all the same distance apart. Some are higher than others and some aren't too sturdy. I try to forsee how the run will play out and prepare myself for how I will make it over all of them successfully. I must continue to remind myself no matter how much I prep, no matter how much I think "I got this", it can all change in the blink of an eye. Until I get right to that hurdle, at that moment, I really won't know how I'll perform. Regardless, I am not backing down. I am not running away. I will keep going. If I fall, I will pick myself up and try again. I will keep practicing until I get it right. Or, at least some improvement. I will not stand still. I will not give up.

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