The hurdles just keep coming...

     It seems the hurdles I am forced to jump over just keep coming. However, the number of times it takes me to get over them is decreasing. I used to try to barrel through them. I didn't even try to jump. It seemed like a lost cause. I'd run into them, knocking them down, then tripping and falling over them. Over time I started making the effort to clear them, but I was so out of practice, I struggled to clear them considerably. I would knock one over due to my back foot getting caught, causing me to get tripped up just when I thought I was in the clear. I'd trip and fall down, but I started to recover quicker. Now, I make it over them. Sometimes, I lose confidence in my ability to clear the hurdle, but then I suck it up and give it a go. I give it my best effort. When I mess it up, I do it again. I continue to work at it until I get over it.
     I'm not sure if others have this same experience. I know I've not lived one like this until now. When I first came to my parents house just over a year ago, I felt completely out of my mind. I didn't know up from down. I was just trying to get the maddness to stop. I was whirling; spiraling out of control. I needed to get my bearings. Over the course of about six months, I did just that - got my bearings. I was able to stand up straight again. I then focused on surviving. I started learning ways of managing my ADD so I could function in all areas of my life. Learning how to survive also took about another six months. Now, I am in the processing mode. The dust is starting to settle and my vision is becoming clear. With much clearer focus, I am looking at what lies ahead of me and trying to learn how to accept it for what it is - another hurdle. Another adjustment. Most of all, I am trying to accept a different way of doing things. I look at where I am now versus where I wanted to be or where I had planned on being and I have to accept that it is what it is and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
     Not too long ago, I had to come to terms with my victimization. I started to write a lot about it, but I am now unsure if I posted that process. If not, I will do it soon. This week, I am adjusting to being a single parent. An actual, living, breathing, single parent. Dating has not gone well for me and has exacerbated these uncomfortable feelings I've been expericencing. I start thinking how this wasn't what I planned. I didn't want to raise my boys alone. My definition of family was two parents and their children. I wasn't ready to redifine "family".  I had the image in my head and piecing together that now shattered image has been quite a challenge. I don't want to start over. Dating was hard enough when I didn't have two toddlers and lived with my parents. Now, it seems almost impossible. It is most definately daunting. I don't want to get to know someone else. I don't want to have to differentiate between reality and bullshit. I don't want to face the consequences if I'm wrong again. I don't want to be dependent on anyone again, all while being dependent on my parents. The difference is, I know they won't use or exploit me. They won't take advantage of my weaknesses and use them against me. My parents love me and my boys unconditionally and will protect us. I trust them to do that and I don't trust many.
     I'm scared, but I continue to have faith and I continue to put myself out there. I take the chance and it fails miserably. Or, maybe it doesn't...Just because the situation doesn't turn out the way I dreamed, doesn't necessarily make it a disaster. I read today, in codependency, we expect the worst and focus on the worst. During these dating "disasters" I am learning to open up. I am learning to be myself. I am learning to set approprite boundaries. I am learning to stop obsessing! I am learning that sometimes, it's just as the movie suggests and "he's just not that into you". I am learning to let go ALOT. This has been an ongoing battle for me. However, I am LEARNING and I continue to learn more about myself, others, and our interactions. I've come to terms with a lot and I still have a lot to be reckoned with I'm sure. At the end of the day however, I have looked down the track and seen the hurdles. Sometimes, they are closer than they appear or they aren't all the same distance apart. Some are higher than others and some aren't too sturdy. I try to forsee how the run will play out and prepare myself for how I will make it over all of them successfully. I must continue to remind myself no matter how much I prep, no matter how much I think "I got this", it can all change in the blink of an eye. Until I get right to that hurdle, at that moment, I really won't know how I'll perform. Regardless, I am not backing down. I am not running away. I will keep going. If I fall, I will pick myself up and try again. I will keep practicing until I get it right. Or, at least some improvement. I will not stand still. I will not give up.

Starting over...

Jeggings. I got into (what was supposed to be a friendly) debate with my sister over jeggings. An article of clothing I swore I would never buy. I did however. And I like them. So, kiss my ass. I couldn't find a pair of jeans that fit into my boots the way I liked because I was losing weight so rapidly. In fact, my jeggings are now getting baggy. This debate, razzing, joke, literally brought me to tears. My family looked at me as if I had lost my mind. Crying. Over jeggings?? REALLY?!? After my sister left and sent me a text apologizing and trying to make amends, I realized it's not about the jeggings. The jeggings are representative of a bigger issue I hate to think about; let alone speak about...dating.
I am panic stricken about embarking on the dating world again. And I mean panic. Chest pains, short of breath, excessive sweating, senseless rambling, panic. I just don't know that I have it in me. I don't have the time, patience, or attention to be someone that I'm not. I don't want to worry or give extra thought to what I am wearing or what I'm saying. I am what I am; and that's a hot mess. I'm a spastic, flighty, impulsive, sweaty, mess. I am moody. I can't keep track of shit. I forget constantly. I like to be comfortable. Which means I don't typically look "sexy". I cuss like a sailor and spit like a ball player. I burp, fart, and poop. I put my feet in something that resembles a Chinchilla bath before I put my socks on. I love my yoga pants and sundresses. I love my cowboy boots and would wear them or gym shoes any day of the week. I hate bras, but like something to absorb boob sweat if need be, therefore I opt for tanks with the built in bra when at home. Never fear, I wear a bra in public at all times. And considering this post started by talk of jeggings, I would like to point out that I do not own sweatpants with writing across the ass. My ass does not scream, "JUICY", "SEXY", or "PINK". If you have some of these pants, more power to you. I am not attempting to draw any attention to my ass. I do a fine job of making myself look like a complete ass without any extra attention to the real thing.
Point being, I can't imagine someone sticking around for long if they really knew me. I can't imagine someone wanting to be with another person who requires a handbook and comes with disclaimers. I'm good in small doses. I don't want to do fear and rejection. I just want to be ME. Unfortunately, over the past several years I lost myself. I frequently found myself saying that I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't like who I was becoming, and I felt like I was going crazy. Not to mean, my life has dramatically changed over the past 5 years. I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to say or not to say. I am still finding me. And, for the most part, I'm OK with that. I'm better off daydreaming a future with someone because the reality of it is beyond my imagination. Those around me make it sound like there are all these "rules" to dating. I can't keep track! This is reminiscent of me trying to learn euchre. Too many rules. You know what rules I'm talking about. When and how often do I call or text, what do I say, where do we go, what do we talk about, what do I wear??
Since when is meeting someone for lunch worthy of a panic attack and embarrassing pit stains? I am the person who breaks all the "rules" apparently. I don't make good eye contact. Mainly due to my ADD and my inability to focus when looking at someone; especially someone I find attractive and who shows an interest in me. But, also because I get so nervous, I turn into a blushing, bashful, stuttering, school girl (it's ridiculous, really). I give way too much information. I tell people I am medicated. My personal favorite, is when I recently told a man (the pit stain provoking lunch man) I was like Rain Man (which by the way, is a phrase I use often). He responded that probably isn't the most flattering way to describe myself. But, it's so true! I am a creature of habit. I thrive on routine. When it gets fucked up, I am beside myself! Most days I adjust and make do, but depending on what it is, it can cripple me. I ramble. I am tangential. I can have six different "side bars" before I ever finish the first thought in a conversation. I "hyper focus", meaning I can get stuck on something and ignore the rest. I reference conversations from days ago because something stuck in my mind and I replay it over and over until I get it out. The list goes on.
I honestly think I sabotage myself because I am afraid of rejection. I have experienced some pretty painful rejection in my time. But, being left to my own devices during a suicide attempt by my (now ex) husband was a kick in the dick. It took the wind right out of my sails. However, I can't keep going back to that. I picked myself up and walked away. I am not that person anymore and I refuse to go back. So, why do I continue to go back to that? Why let him continue to effect my life at all? I have good qualities. Hell, some may even consider them great. People really do like me; idiosyncrasies, oxymorons and all. Some people appreciate the fact that they don't have to question where they stand with me. Other people, not so much. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I shoot straight from the hip. I try to be conscious of others feelings, however I develop a stutter when I am struggling to say something difficult. I am compassionate. I am passionate. I am empathetic. I am more humble than I've ever been. I love helping people. It pains me to see any being suffer. I want to bring them peace or at least show them another way. Not that my way is always right. I can admit when I am wrong (another good quality I think). I relate to people and I just want them to know they are not alone. I may not know exactly what they are going through, but I don't want anyone to ever feel alone. I am here. I have a good sense of humor. I make people laugh. However, my sarcastic, dark-sided humor has known to offend or make me seem careless and crass; which isn't the case at all. I care so much and deal with some terrible situations. Humor is my coping skill. If I didn't laugh, I would cry. Contrary to popular belief, I am sensitive. I get my feelings hurt easily. I am headstrong (sounds much better than hardheaded). This characteristic can go into both the pro and con columns. I may bitch, moan, groan, scream, or cry; but once I've had my "moment", I will typically move on. I am a survivor. I am strong. I am a fighter (not physically). In fact, I hate physical violence and am ashamed I have resorted to it in the past. I am slowly accepting who I am. However, gaining confidence in that person is very difficult. I have been beat down and am in the process of being remade. I am a work in progress; that's for damn sure. I have come a long way and have a long way to go. But, I am proud of where I am at. I really am. This may not be my ideal situation, but I am feeling better than I ever have. I have a lot to contend with, but I also have a lot to offer. If only, I would focus on the good qualities instead of listing all the negatives straight out of the gate. If only I believed in myself as much as others and quit being so damn hard on myself. If only, I would stop saying "if only" and move my ass! I need to accept that fact that this is the way that God made me and realize He loves me, flaws and all. And maybe, some day, He will bring me someone else who loves me for me. Someone who may not like all my idiosyncrasies, but at least tolerates them because my light shines bright. I just have to continue to trust where I am at. Be patient with God, myself, and others. Focus on me and becoming even better. Most of all, I have to continue to have FAITH...